I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
two words...techno handjob
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.