The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
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the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult