i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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