Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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