he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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