apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
its liver damage thursday
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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