her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
