Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
