my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
