To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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