My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
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Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"