Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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