I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
