Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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