shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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