rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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