Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
