i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
