is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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