Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
