Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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