I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
