I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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