why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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