Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
