I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
