i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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