genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
