drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
