Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
