I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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