Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
