Moan for me like Helen Keller
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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