I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
