Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
All I want is dick and wine.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
