The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
