the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
