I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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