Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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