I wish they made helmets for livers.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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