They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
