Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.