Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
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Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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