I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
