Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
