i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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