imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
