I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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