I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
