If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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