I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
