Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
