The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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