I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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