i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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