I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
