I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
